It’s practically impossible now that you will receive this letter but I am writing this because I want to let go of my insecurities. I want to enclose them in this letter and then send it to what you call your home now. As I write this letter, my hands are trembling, my heart is beating fast, and I have this unknown fear may be of not succeeding in letting them all go. So here’s the thing. I watched one of your speech videos today, where you said you were a shy, introvert kid pampered as the youngest child of the family so much that you became afraid to talk to people outside your house. I tell you what! I couldn’t relate more. I am the youngest child too. I had troubles opening up to people and I still sometimes do have them. In one of your interviews, you mentioned having only two friends and not being able to initiate interesting conversations. I totally get you!
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“You hid in the characters you played and I do the same”
You said you had stage fright and therefore you decided to become an actor so that you can hide in the characters you play. I am not an actor but I act all the time in real life to hide my insecurities. I am also an artist and it requires stepping on stage a lot of times. When I step on stage, I feel stressed a little but then turn on the “Acting mode” and just perform. I know this is what you used to do.
Drawing parallels, I went to an engineering college too. I didn’t drop out because I was not able to gather the courage to that. Kudos to you Brave Heart! You dropped out two semesters before completing the degree. Look at me! I decided to drop out in the second year of college but failed. “Log Kya Kahege” completely took over my mind and messed up with my decision making. But after completing my degree, I decided to switch fields and work as a writer. I guess I was feeling incomplete until I reached Mumbai and pursued journalism. Sometimes, it requires us to try different things before finally choosing the one thing we love the most, right? You would know this of course as you have been an engineer, a dancer, and then an actor.
“Can I take this step too?”
I have been writing for half an hour and still can feel my blinking nerves. I have been feeling this anxiety, even more, since I heard the news of you passing away. I was never a fan but now when you are gone, I can say I was always a fan of your journey but never realized. It breaks my heart whenever I think of what could have led you to take this step.
Can I take this step too? There are times when I am too shattered, anxious, and broken to talk to someone about my feelings. There are times I mourn in solitude but smile when people are around. There are times when I feel like rewriting my story letting go of all the messes I have made in life. And there are times I feel like this pain has no medicine.
Do you know what gives me the courage to fight back? I see all the smiling faces and feel they all are going through a lot and I am not alone. They are fighting each day. They are fighting for themselves, for their family. As you said in your speech, you wanted to prove a point to all those who thought you were a failure dropping out of a reputed engineering college. And you did it! You proved them all wrong with your works like MS Dhoni, Chhichhore, Kai Po Che, amongst other achievements.
“Thank you for inspiring us in unknown ways”
But I haven’t and I think by now I have been able to let go of a little insecurity I had. This happens to me every time my mind goes through a setback. I become anxious and then let go of it. It is not as easy and I know you understand that. I will stand up and fight and hey look, my hands are not shaking anymore and I am smiling while typing now. I think little steps every day works!
Dear Sushant, thank you for inspiring me and all of us in unknown ways and giving a reason to millions of us to let go of our insecurities. You were brave! I am brave! Whoever is reading this is brave. We all will together pay you a tribute by proving the pointing fingers wrong. We will all fight for ourselves and tell our stories.
We will make choices as “Kuchh to Log Kahenge Logo ka Kam hai Kehna”
Feel like listening to this song?
Sending out all my love and positive vibes to heaven! You will forever live with us.
A girl with a little less insecurities today